.A Very Tranquil Beauty.

Psalm 25.

2010-03-17T00:37:00.002-04:00

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only he will release my feet from the snare.

This is the most peaceful I have ever felt in the midst of danger. Praise God for the trials and tribulations, and his methods of teaching and loving. I have learned so much in a short period of time.
If you want to know more, just ask!

Such Is Life.

2010-01-07T22:59:00.003-05:00

Ok, so. Haven't written in forever. This semester was terrible, as far as the short-term outlook goes. My design classes were super stressful and I felt like I was stretched to the point that I didn't enjoy it or grow from it as much as I could have, which is disappointing. I did however enter the Addys for the first time, which was also super stressful. You have to organize everything just so, and allow time for everything to go wrong with printing and such, which is time I didn't quite have. I don't expect to get any awards from it, but I still feel like it might be good experience. My teacher specifically emailed me telling me to enter and giving me suggestions of pieces to enter. Very encouraging. He probably did that with at least half the department though. Anyway. I am really hard on myself most of the time.
If you ask me what I'm good at, I'll tell you, "Not much." I am just starting to realize that that's probably a sinful mindset to have, even though I believe it. God gave me a gift, and I've had different ideas at different times in my life of what it might be. The point is, God doesn't create people with no purpose and no gift. He will help you tap it and learn to use it, but it requires drive and effort on your part too. You can't sit and wait and expect everything to happen for you.
I have been listening to alot of lies lately. Some of them being that I'm not good enough at design or photography to make a career out of it, that I am not talented, that I am too weird for most people, and that I need a boy to be happy. Unlike some people my age, I have almost no fear whatsoever of being committed to someone, thus making it difficult to be content uncommitted. And every other week I hear about an engagement or a wedding. However, now is probably not the best time to make a commitment. I still feel like there is a vast part of myself I don't understand, and it probably stems from my distance from God.
My relationship with God suffered immensely this semester. I basically went the whole semester without feeling truly filled up, and then I would wonder why everything was so screwed up and why our campus movement wasn't close at all, etc. Radiate always helps though. It was so good this year. I worried about the social aspect alot because my closest friends wouldn't be there, but I ended up becoming much closer friends with some acquaintances, feeling closer with the kids from our campus in general, and even meeting some kids from other schools and keeping in contact with them, which I've always wanted to happen at Radiate. That had never happened before this year, so that was definitely cool. Our campus movement has struggled alot with just being tight with each other, and I feel like maybe that improved a little at Radiate. Not sure yet. However, we never got to sit together all at one time in the meetings. Disappointing.
I found out over break that my brother is now an "agnostic deist." Meaning something along the lines of: he believes or hopes that there is a god, but doesn't claim to have any "special wisdom" about god. He uses the word agnostic referring to the Gnostic movement back in the day (basically a cult) where people claimed to have some special wisdom or knowledge of god...I dunno. I haven't read up on it yet, I've only heard of it. But anyway, they considered themselves gifted with spiritual knowledge even though they didn't really have any I guess. So he says he is agnostic because he doesn't claim to have any knowledge like that. So, that has been a little weird to get used to, even though I've had an idea of him losing his faith for quite a few months now. But I've just now had him explain it to me in some depth. I guess it's weird because I went my whole life up until sophomore year of college believing that I had this great Christian support right here in my immediate family. I still have my parents, who are strong, but I always looked up to my brother alot when I was younger and still figuring out my image and personality, and now everything is just weird. I have been terrible at loving him too. It's hard when he lives hours away and we have basically no communication because he's married and he's a dude. So, I've decided I'm going to have to man up, so to speak, and do what I can feel God wants me to do, which is just be that godly influence in his life. That's going to be hard, but I think God has equipped me enough to do that. Let's hope I hold up my end of the deal.
I am super nervous about what this summer is going to look like. I think I want to go on the Tribeca project on the arts track, but I don't have a portfolio together yet, and I have no idea when they start accepting applications. I think I read November somewhere, which probably means that plan might be screwed because I heard it's hard to get in and you need to apply right away. Sigh. But, that's probably what I'm doing with the rest of my break is trying to figure that out. I don't know a whole lot about the whole thing. I hated that this year at Radiate there was zero information about most of the projects. I thought it would be a relief to me knowing that I could go there and talk to people, but alas. I wonder if they're even having it this year. I dunno, so many questions. It would be super scary trying to get around in a city by myself. I've only flown once recently (meaning since I was a baby) and I'm terrible at navigating and finding my way around. But dude, New York City. I went there the first time this summer, and it was just...so good. I don't know why. I don't handle stress that great probably, so it doesn't make much sense that I would like the city. But I love all that culture and diversity crammed into one place. I like the subway. Not figuring it out, but I like people watching there. I love the buildings. I love how there are actors everywhere and there is so much music and art. Granted, I haven't tried to live there, but I walked around in NYC a little by myself while my parents were off doing other stuff, and it wasn't scary. It was so weird. It was also broad daylight and in a touristy part of the city, but still. Anyway, enough jabbering. I just want to figure out what God needs me to do this summer. I am also a little sad because mom told me if I did go on a project this summer and needed all that money to go, I probably wouldn't be able to go to Big Break this year. Sad day. It was so fun last year. I will be really sad if my little friend group from Radiate goes and I don't. Last year though I had to pay my own money to go, and my grandma heard I was doing that and she sent me a check covering the whole cost. Didn't expect that at all. She is great.
In other news, The Office Season 4 is actually really heavy plot wise. So weird. I love PB+J though. But all the other romances are just so strange and uncomfortable to the point that it starts to lose its humor a little. That's just me though. I just figured out that when Angela called Pam the office mattress, she was being a huge hypocrite. Because the real office mattress is Angela. Woah. Enough drama for one day. In more other news, I discovered Launch My Line, a new fashion reality show on Bravo, and Lady Gaga appeared on it the other day. Aesthetically, I deem her to be a genius. Anyway. That show is super dramatic too, but the way they set it up is cool, they have each contestant paired with an established designer (which I think they also do on the Tribeca project? Did I say that already?). The clothes I saw in the one episode I watched were things I immediately wanted in my closet. Mmm. I have issues with the hosts though. I have no idea who they are or how they got on the show or if they are famous for something. But they are extremely catty (and unhelpful...no Tim Gunn, no one can replace him) identical (probably gay) twins who wear the exact same outfit each episode. Basically they make a serious effort to appear as clones of each other and it weirds me out so so much. Whatever.
There have been alot more spiritual pit-falls this semester that I won't go into for fear of making this post any longer. But anyway, I'm going to try and make an effort to get back on track. If you are my friend and you see me at all spring semester, stop me and make me have some Jesus time.
That is all. Peace and love.

Ups and downs, mostly downs.

2009-10-12T00:55:00.003-04:00

What is friendship without trust? What is anything without trust? I'm not really inclined to accept help from you if I can't help you first. I can't help you if you don't let me. I wish I could trust you and I hope this doesn't ruin everything.

On the other hand, this helped me out last week: Isa 41:13.

It feels like everything went bad when you graduated. Feelings are awful. This is going to sound horribly nerdy, but I would like to be a Vulcan now. Kthx.

I'm not Terminal.

2009-09-21T00:45:00.002-04:00

Worse, I'm chronic.

I still haven't figured out how to deal with my chronic problems either, except to be thankful that I don't have more, and to fight ignorance.

The most difficult and painful thing:

2009-09-19T01:27:00.004-04:00

To empathize with God when He sees his children being led astray.
Even with being blessed so bountifully with the life I have and the lessons I've learned, it is so hard to observe others in similar struggles and not know if they will come out on the other side.
It is so easy to focus on the negative even though there are blessings every second, around every corner.
I may always be frustrated with being human, and for now with being young, even though I should be thankful for both.
It's sometimes difficult for me to love messed up people, but who else is there, and who am I?
I was put with these people for a reason, I just want to know why.
I cannot wait for Heaven...

Be safe tonight.
Love you. Really.

Are the wonders of my world.

I want to be there.

2009-09-18T02:21:00.002-04:00

I want to learn how to write for real.
I need to learn how to express (and execute well) the passion I have for everything.
It kills me that I miss you already. It's stupid.
That is how it always goes.

I am almost 20 and I have never been more afraid of the unknown, and of dying alone.

Why can't I focus on Jesus for once in my life?

Will you remember me?
Does it matter?
The worst feeling is when something matters to you and causes you to feel when it probably shouldn't.

JESUS fix me.

Life is a frustrating tangle of webs and I feel too much.

Things that made my day:

2009-08-06T18:12:00.005-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8 (the end is the best part)
I said I'll be gone today ,
but I’ll be back all around the way.
It seems like everywhere I go,
The more I see the less I know.
But I know one thing that I love you.

http://www.wimp.com/elephantpaints/
This is an oldie that has been around the internet a few times already...but elephants were my favorite animal when I was like 5 or something, and I think they regained that status again today. = ) Not sure how it learned to do that...but how cool that God is a creative spirit and not only do humans replicate that, animals do too sometimes. = )

http://www.wimp.com/beardgrow/
Yey china.

And just for kicks:
http://www.wimp.com/cryingbaby/

Yep...Jesus is still alive.

Mister Monotony.

2009-07-24T11:08:00.002-04:00

Disclaimer: I haven't blogged in a while so this post will probably end up being a bunch of ranting about my life. I warned you!

So, not much spiritual to talk about at the moment. I am starting to get nervous about leading a bible study and I'm afraid I will have stress out the butt for fall semester. I will probably be a scatterbrained mess...bah. And what also won't help is I have a class that runs 6:45 to 8:45 on thursdays, which cuts out alot of cru time. All of the visiting time in the beginning and probably announcement time too. And probably worship. Oof. I will definitely need to start getting strength from somewhere other than thursday nights probably. Maybe I will start going to church again. We'll have to see how everything goes I guess.

Being discipled again will be FANTASTIC. Dship always gets me through the week, unless something really horrible happens. Life will probably feel empty without Sammer though. It will definitely take alot of getting used to and alot of bulldozing through emotions.

I have been trying to reset my internal sleep clock and it's possibly one of the most difficult physical things I've ever done. I haven't really been successful yet but it seems like it'll be impossible without some kind of sleep aid. It's a bad feeling to wake up in the morning and never feel rested but just try to ignore it and go on with your day.

On a more exciting note, I got to go to New York City for the first time in my life!! I have never been so excited about traveling and I was very sad to leave. I figured by the end of the trip (only about 5 days) I would just be exhausted and ready to be back at home just chilling. But quite the opposite, I felt like it was my second home and sure, I was tired from the walking, but it was %100 worth it. On a sidenote, this was the first adventure I've been on with my new D90! Whee! I felt a little like a tourist but I wore relatively nice clothes every day to try and counteract the tourist syndrome, so to speak.

Rundown of the trip:
Took a flight out of Richmond VA (my first time flying since infancy...needless to say I have a million pictures of clouds) and arrived in NYC at about 11:30 or so I think. We took JetBlue so we got to eat blue chips, made from blue potatoes, which I didn't know existed. But they look super cool. We took the subway (which my parents more or less figured out the system of) and walked a few blocks to our hotel (on restaurant row, right next to the theater district). THE CUTEST little place I've ever stayed in. With tax it was about $200 a night (fantastic price apparently) but the room had a kitchenette and fabulous bathroom, free internet and continental breakfast every morning. And the people there were amazing. So the first day we dropped off our janx and checked out Times Square for a bit, then to the International Center of Photography, at which there was a Richard Avedon exhibit. Life was good. After that we met my mom's high school friend Denise, who is the head of photography at Sotheby's, and got a fabulous italian dinner with her. Behind us sat Philip Roth, who is apparently a regular there. I had no idea who he was so we had to wikipedia that later. That was the only dinner we had before 10 or 11. Now I don't really like touristy things, but then we went on this bus tour in the evening so we got to see the city lit up at night, the Brooklyn Bridge and all that jazz. I do have to say I am a fan of sitting on the upper level of double decker buses.

Day 2:
Checked out the lobby of the Guggenheim, which is pretty cool looking. Spent literally about 6 hours at the Met, which was time well spent. We probably saw about 1/4 or something of everything they actually have. Ridiculous. After that we went to hear the Philharmonic at the concert in the park. Kind of sucked though because we didn't pay to get in...which normally would be fine, but everyone else who doesn't pay to get in just picnics on the ground outside the gate and talks the whole time. Not too much music was heard really. It started to rain at the end so the fireworks were canceled. In the huge crowd's rush to leave, it was probably about this time that my dad lost my point-and-shoot camera. Sadface. After that we went to Junior's, an actually very busy restaurant with excellent cheesecake and complementary beets (not served together). Our waiter was an attractive actor, as are almost all waiters in NYC. Again, life was good.

Day 3:
Went to St. Patrick's Cathedral which is absolutely magnificent. There was scaffolding or something on the front side which took away a little from the architecture, but going inside makes up for that. I know nothing about catholicism so I don't really know what I got pictures of, haha. But I love gothic architecture. After that we went to MoMA which had a really sweet design exhibit (meaning like, chairs, chandeliers, lamps, other inanimate objects). Went to a comedy show at the National Comedy Theater (which sounds like a really grand place but was really just a hole in the wall). The show was designed almost exactly like Who's Line but the "referee" was alot wittier than Drew Carey. After that we ate at O'Flaherty's (an ale house, not a pub...parts of the inside looked like a cozy living room) on restaurant row. Lovely place owned by an authentic Irishman.

Day 4:
Shopping in the morning/early afternoon. I can't afford anything in NYC that isn't from a discount store, so that's where we went and found fabulous clothes. Went down to Times Square so my parents could stand in the TKTS line while I wandered around for a little bit. Found a little market type thing set up on one of the streets where they had a little bit of everything. Got tickets to In The Heights! Visited Greenwich Village where I got a vintage hat for $10 from a very nice dude who used to be a hairdresser. Heard lots of music, watched people play in the fountain, watched a clown do part of his routine. Hurried back to the packed theater to see In The Heights (which was awesome! I needed a musical). Ate at a little restaurant across the street from our hotel where our waiter was really nice and chatted it up.

Day 5:
Took a look at Grand Central Station and had a really good lunch there. Hurried back to catch our flight back to Richmond. Very sad to leave. I want to move there now.

In other news, I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance and it is a great great show. This is coming from someone who almost despises television and definitely despises reality shows. Anyone know where I can learn how to dance and not look like a total fool at age 19? No...?

Who is God?

2009-06-18T01:31:00.002-04:00

I heard a song recently on a movie soundtrack that I loved. The song was in english, but written by a Muslim. He of course addresses the song to Allah, but everything else he said in the song I could totally identify with. I could feel that song speak to me as I empathized with the singer, and one of the things that stood out to me most was the way he said Allah. It was beautiful. I wanted to, in my own way, pray this song back to God, but every time the singer named Allah I would kind of mentally stop short. One of my first reactions was not to care and to echo this song anyway. What's in a name if your heart is in the right place? But at the same time, it felt uncomfortable because I have never addressed my Father as Allah. It's a beautiful name, but what does the name really imply?

As it turns out, I found a blog today that addressed this very issue. The post was also inspired by a song (not the same one), but the background of the band seems to be a little unclear. Apparently the mother of two of the members is Muslim, but the band might be a Christian band although they have apparently not come out and said it. I haven't done my research yet, but it's not really this specific band I'm concerned about. This post also addressed this issue of the different names for God, is it wrong to use Allah for the Christian God, etc.

Some comments:

"Arabic Christians use "Allah" to refer to the Christian God. All it means is "The One."

Should we be offended by people using "God" to refer to God? After all, "god" is from a root that means something like "one who can be invoked," and is not his name."

"I think that using "Allah" to describe the God of scripture is a mistake in our culture. The band needs to realize that while it may be acceptable in middle eastern or Muslim countries, the use of the term "Allah" in our culture is strictly a Muslim term. In the minds of the vast majority of Americans, "Allah" is the name for the God of Islam. While you can appeal to the technical meaning of the term, in linguistics, the definition of a word is determined by popular usage. If you say "I worship Allah," 99.9% of Americans would assume you're speaking of the God of Islam.

If I start walking around referring to children born out of wedlock as "bastards," I'm technically correct in the use of the term. However, in our culture, the word implies something different than the technical meaning. If I'm going to be culturally sensitive, I have to understand that and avoid using the word even if I'm technically correct in my usage.

While I don't think it's inherently wrong to use the term to refer to the Judeo-Christian God, I think it's an extremely poor choice of words in our culture. You have to understand the culture you're in, and the connotations of the words you use."

"While God can see our heart, other people can't. When we're relating with God, I think the state of our heart is all that matters. However, when I'm preaching the gospel to someone, they can't see the state of my heart. If I forget to mention that Jesus died for them, and that He is the only name by which men can be saved, they have not heard the gospel. Words carry meaning. If I tell someone that Allah loves them and that Muhammad died for them, no matter how sincere I am, I'm not preaching the gospel."

"I've never really understood why people try so hard to disassociate the God of Islam from Christianity from Judaism. When's the last time a Christian tried to claim that the God of Judaism was mythical? The speeches of Muhammad demand that the followers of Islam respect the other two monotheisms (Christianity and Islam). Islam treats Jesus as the greatest of God's prophets (though they consider the foundational concept of Christianity--the divinity of Christ--to be blasphemous). The lay over between the faiths are so numerous that to make the claim that "Allah" is mythical is to claim that "Yahweh" is mythical is to make the claim that "Jehovah" is mythical, etc...

Historically, Muhammad studied both Christianity and Judaism while he was on his trade routes. ...

Most importantly, these kinds of linguistic arguments are completely vain from a divine perspective. Languages were imposed upon mankind due to our own mistakes. I imagine that language is entirely moot to God who hears not our words but our "heart."

"...it's important to separate Christianity from ANY faith that rejects the idea that Jesus is the only Son of God, and that it is only through Jesus can we be saved. The bible simply leaves no room for fellowship between those who believe that Jesus died and rose again for their sins, and those who believe Jesus was merely a prophet who was not crucified for our sins and was not raised from the dead."

So, that is alot to read and there is much more research to be done. I'm sure most people who post on here will probably tell me to avoid Allah, but any and all input is appreciated. = )

In other news, I think I've dismissed the Lilith issue...partially because of what I've read and partially because it's starting to make my brain hurt.

New Discovery:

2009-04-07T22:00:00.002-04:00

It has been quite the privilege being a part of the process God uses to reach out to his lost children. To be honest, it just might be one of the most exciting things I've been a part of so far. It gives me a new passion and love for God, and it helps drive out my fear of dying to myself. So far, all I've really missed is a dance party, and I'm pretty sure I can live without that (as much as I do love them) since there will probably be some boss dance parties in Heaven.

Intelligence.

2009-03-30T22:13:00.002-04:00

I am afraid this is, or one day will be, me. Not in dealing with children, but in dealing with my friends.

Just me getting my frustration out.

2009-03-20T21:33:00.004-04:00

I AM SURROUNDED BY APATHY.
Make it stop.
In the span of my life, it has taken my friends, and squeezed my heart into almost nothing.
Now the lack of truth in the world has taken my almost 30 year old brother.

Why do people settle for just living for themselves? If you ask them if they are happy, they say they are.
Also, I think it's annoying when people use the word "religion" too much or use their cheesy Christian talk around me too much.
I hate the fact that I need to appear strong and wise all the time so that people will know that my God is real and isn't a wuss.
I have so many problems. >.<
I would like to go back to PCB now without the sunburns.
That is all.

Postsecret:

2009-02-23T13:43:00.004-05:00

I can think of at least 5 secrets I could send right now, right off the top of my head. It would be cool to see them end up on the website, but I think I might get tired of sending them...who knows. Maybe I will post some of them on here instead. It's a nice idea at least...I may or may not keep up with it.

I seem to have a deep-rooted problem with praying for the same thing for a long period of time. I think some of the big prayers in my life that I have prayed for more than a week (big deal for me) haven't been answered yet. But I feel like 2 of those things might be close. The point is, I am amazed that I haven't grown tired of praying for you yet. I think in the past I have become flighty around really "damaged" people, because they reminded me of myself, and there is just too much damage floating around in people's souls today. I had to stop and think about something else. But not you. You I haven't given up on yet. There is still so much that you haven't told anyone yet that needs to be said. We are getting there.

You know what I miss? Passing notes. No one does it anymore. Can we start doing that again?

Apathy Sucks.

2009-02-18T16:29:00.003-05:00

What do you say to someone who tells you they don't really care about what they believe?

I have already asked a few people this one, and the only real answer I have gotten is "Love them."
I realize that no one can change another person's beliefs unless that person wants to change first, and you can't force a belief on anyone either. But I still wish I had something, rather than nothing, to say in response to hearing something like this.
Any input is appreciated!

Bored of Homework.

2009-02-15T17:23:00.000-05:00

Reminder:

2009-02-10T16:41:00.003-05:00

Today I think through a conversation with a friend, God reminded me not to give up.

So often in my life I meet people who are raised Catholic (often meaning they now have a million and one problems with the church thus making it hard for them to believe in God), say they are christian and don't act it at all and/or don't seem to be learning from their mistakes, or something else along those lines.
Sometimes when I am around these people too much, I get frustrated with life and my own spirituality, sometimes leading me to retreat into myself. However, I feel like I am getting to the point in my walk where I am not so easily tripped up by the people I am around. Not to the point at least where I begin to question everything in the universe (slight exaggeration) like I have in the past.

I wish I could consciously pray for all my friends who haven't accepted Christ 24/7. I feel like by doing anything else, I am being distracted from that, and thus, failing at being a good Christian. But no one is perfect.

In other news, popularity contests are a load of bs, and I want my hair to grow out ASAP. Either that, or I need to buy color stripper or something. But the in-between stages of hair manipulation suck.

Lesson:

2009-02-05T17:47:00.002-05:00

Every time you stand your ground, you make progress.
We live our lives on a spiritual battlefield.
Hearing those simple phrases makes it so much easier to not give in to temptation. I approve.

When I grow up:

2009-02-04T23:25:00.001-05:00

I want to do this:

Pushed to the Brink:

2009-01-31T16:45:00.005-05:00

"The end of myself is always where I have found the beginning of God."
-pastor Todd

Where is the end of yourself?
It is interesting to observe the different extremes that God pushes us to, and the measures He will take to show us that we need to die to ourselves before we can truly live for Him.
For everyone in the world, the brink is a different place. Often, there is something we need to be ok with losing forever in order to die to ourselves, and in order to be truly blessed by God.
I feel like right now I am trapped in a small box. God always provides a way out of any problem, but of course, it is often a challenge to find it. I feel like at one point or another, everyone has or will be trapped in a small box, some more than once. That small box will be a different place or situation. For me, the small box is my own body, and I am afraid of it. I feel like God is leading me to a place where I will have to accept my own death in order to truly be where He needs me to be. In order to truly die to myself and be humbled. All I can say is that I have been sick for a long time, and who knows what the ultimate results of that will be.
In all honesty, I feel old. I have told people before that I think I might die around age 50, but who really knows. Alot of old people say they can feel when their time is coming.
I'm not even really sure why I wrote this. I think I am just in one of those moods to sit in a room with someone not saying anything, but it is enough just to sit with someone. There's no one here though, so this is the closest I'll get for today.

Sorry if that was kind of incoherent. I may revise it later when I am thinking clearer and feeling better. Maybe.

And if you like good music and art, watch this.
http://www.wimp.com/neatday/

Odd how this song follows my life. I keep making connections like that and sometimes I wish I didn't.

New Lesson:

2009-01-28T15:03:00.005-05:00

I learned last night that worrying is a sin. Who knew? I mean I knew that it was bad, both for your health and in that it doesn't help anything, it only wastes energy. But with all these new economic problems (or not new?), among many others of course, it is easy to worry. However, reminding yourself to not worry is actually quite refreshing. Who needs to worry when God has your back? No matter what, things will turn out alright in the long run. We may get messy on the way, but what is that compared to an eternity in Heaven with our savior? I have found that reminding myself to not worry despite rising stress levels forces me to depend on God, and not on myself. And we all know that depending too much on ourselves gets us nowhere. And if you don't know that already, you need to learn it asap. = )

In other news, I like the rain, and don't mind as much as some people when my pants and shoes get wet.
Bah, that photo needs editing...and the original file looks darker than the file posted here? Hm.

Slightly secular realization:

2009-01-24T16:00:00.003-05:00

I have too many abstract emotions that can't be put to words. I wish I could say more. Sometimes I wish I was a dancer.

I could write a true story about this photo, but I'm afraid that someone would catch on if they were included.
Anyway, I'll miss you even though you won't miss me.

Confession (and then some):

2009-01-07T13:50:00.004-05:00

I have a huge crush on Jim Halpert.
I need to come up with something more profound to blog about soon...

--edit--

Something a little more profound:

I have been reading Blue Like Jazz and it is amazing and I highly recommend it. I feel like the author and I could be very good friends. One of the many things it has helped me with is my feelings about the church. I think I'm kind of finicky about churches because they're always made up of people (all of which are imperfect) and so there's almost always something about churches that bothers me and that's probably a bad thing. But the author wrote about a church he went to which had a very strong artist community in and around it. This makes me hopeful for my churchly adventures, and makes me think that maybe I'll find a place one day that is more for me. I think mostly this is because my problem is finding people to really identify with. I don't think it happens very often.

I also like Blue Like Jazz because it reveals a completely different side to what being a Christian is about. I haven't finished the book yet, but so far it is not political or legalistic. It is spiritual. I think this is good in and of itself, but for me when I started the book, it was really good because I was going through a period of extreme doubts. I'm pretty sure I doubted about 90% of what a Christian could doubt about their faith, but as before, something in me was still holding on. Or something else was still holding on to me. Either way it happened, I'm pretty sure my dad handed me that book for a reason.
My dad is in my opinion an extremely wise man. I don't think he knew about my doubts, or at least he didn't let on if he did, but I'm pretty sure God was working through him when he told me to borrow his copy of BLJ on our car ride to Richmond/Hampton/Front Royal.

Anyway, BLJ helped me out the most by reminding me of God's character. My nonchristian friend who shall remain nameless has talked to me about stuff like Lilith, and how he doesn't like Christianity because he believes there were things that were left out of the Bible a long time ago and even though they are true, they aren't being taught anymore, for political or legalistic reasons. He was brought up Catholic, and doesn't like the Catholic church because "it keeps changing its mind about what's ok and what's not." He doesn't like organized anything, even fraternities. He calls himself agnostic because he really has no idea what he believes. I am still kicking myself because I didn't know what to tell him. Spending so much time with this friend skewed my perception of my beliefs, I think, and I had to read a Christian book to remember who God really is, and remember that He is loving, and I am here for a reason, and we didn't just make Him up. I had to go back and examine my past to make sure it was really God who had a hand in my life and not just random chance. The whole thing sounds stupid when I try to explain it though. There's no way random chance could have created everything right? But how do you really explain God, especially to someone who doesn't believe in Him? I think it's kind of like trying to explain wind to someone who doesn't know what air molecules are. I'm not good at analogies, but I hope that makes some kind of sense. >.<

I have no idea if Lilith is real. I have no idea if the Bible is one big metaphor or not. I hardly even know how to explain myself to my nonchristian friends who don't believe me. All I know is that life has been better since I let God in.

Anticipation.

2008-12-13T12:12:00.000-05:00

Don't leave me.

Surprise!

2008-12-12T01:22:00.002-05:00

God is good.
I felt loved today.
Quality time, gotta love it.
Although it does kind of suck when it is with someone who is probably not a good influence on you.
But that's the challenge, isn't it?
I've been getting lots of those lately.
Where does it end?
I wish I wasn't so tired.
Please just put me in the direction I need to be in, I'm too dumb to figure it out myself.

My parents always become enraged at me when I say I'm stupid, but the truth is I'm human. And all humans are basically idiots in their own way. At least, that's how I look at it sometimes.

I taught a boy how to knit today. Go me!

Sometimes I wish my spiritual life wasn't a big ball of metaphors that I have to figure out. I mean, it's cool when I do figure it out, but it can be dangerous when I don't. But I'm really trying.
This is why I'm excited for Radiate.

Frustrating.

2008-12-07T01:11:00.005-05:00

Why are half of my friends transferring?
BTW, it makes you look even cooler when you talk selfishly about it in front of all our friends. Shut the eff up.
You won't remember us when you leave, or me at least. I can already tell.
It is really hard to unconditionally love someone when you keep getting hurt over and over again.
Grudges suck, but what are you supposed to do when the wound keeps being forced open every day? I am running out of fuel to keep recovering from this.
I may or may not be a recluse next year. For those few who read this, don't let me do that to myself.

I grow very tired of struggling my way through this life.
The strange and predictable part is, no one knows.

On the upside:
#8!!! We hung out! And it was better than I could have expected it to be! I really hope this wasn't just a random one-time deal. Please please please let Radiate be awesome for us. You're awesome! Kthxbye.

Things I want to say to people but can't.

2008-12-03T18:21:00.006-05:00

Each number is for a different person.

1.) My heart is going to break more than once when you graduate and move away. I am thankful that we have grown so incredibly close, but it makes me sad too, because it will probably never be this good ever again. You have taught me so much it's crazy. Thanks for being so understanding and loving.

2.) I am so so so so so sorry. I am an idiot. I may not even be able to talk to you again I feel so stupid. I guess I just liked the way things were before, even though that doesn't say much. You will go places as long as you keep God in the picture. Something tells me you haven't been, but I've been wrong before. Take it and run with it. Don't be afraid to try new things.

3.) I think you're hilarious and tell the best stories, and I love goofing off with you. However, I am pretty sure we don't understand each other much at all. You have hurt my feelings many times, almost all of those times probably without meaning to and/or realizing, and who know many times I've hurt yours in the same way. It makes me sad that you want to get out of here so fast. I have a sneaking suspicion that when you do leave, you will only remember me sparingly because you are obsessed with your best friend. However, things seem to have improved a little recently, so I should stop speculating on our relationship. I still love you despite any frustrations.

4.) I am trying to pretend you don't exist for the sake of my own heart. I think you mean well, but you are not good at communicating, so alot gets lost in translation. I look up to you but am also intimidated by you. Sometimes I think I was naive to even entertain the thought that you would want anything, friendship or beyond, with me. I have prayed alot for you and I cannot express how proud I am of you. You seem to have grown alot recently, but I could be making up the magnitude of that statement because I haven't talked to you in at least a month and I have almost no idea of what's going on in your life. You seem to be kind of a fickle person, and that upsets me sometimes. This may sound weird, but I have an absolutely horrible memory and I still remember the first time we spoke. If we never speak again, and even on the slim chance that we do, I wish you the best.

5.) Holy crap, I cannot put to words how awesome I think you are. I really hope that we stay friends our whole lives. To be completely honest, I think you were a sign from God to me that all is not lost, and there is still hope for me. You have filled me with such hope. I think you're a little embarrassed of yourself, your past, and your problems that you can't help, and I hope that that doesn't stand in the way of anything good in the future. I want you to love yourself a little more. Your faith in God is astounding. You are such a loving person, and you often come across as mature for your age, which is why I'm so comfortable around you. God has definitely put you in my life for a reason.

6.) I still miss you and your family a freaking ton, even after 3 1/2 years. I just try not to think about it, because there's really nothing I can do. I don't think you ever really liked me that much, and you probably just thought I was annoying. You probably only put up with me because you were in your emo pansy phase. I get really sad every time I see a picture of you on Facebook because I know I'll never see you again, and I'm afraid to make contact with you because I don't want to be that annoying girl. However, I think you've grown alot, I'm just not sure how exactly.

7.) Um. I'm not really sure what to do around you anymore. Actually, I may or may not ever see you again because you're graduating soon. I am guilty of judging you for your mistakes. I've done my best to leave that behind and I would like to still be friends but I don't think you want to be friends with me, partially because you're not single anymore and maybe you didn't want to just be friends before. Who knows anymore. People like you confuse me. I wish you could come to Cru here and see the other side of religion.

8.) I really wish I knew you better. I know for a fact that we have things in common, but I never really know what to say when I'm around you. I think you're hilarious though, and I enjoy every moment we're around each other when we hang out in a group, which hardly ever happens, sadly. I think one time last year when I talked to you I freaked you out, so now I'm not really sure what you're comfortable with and I don't want to scare you off. From the first time I saw you, I wanted to be friends, I've always thought you were really cool. I wish you had been more confident in yourself last year and just talked to me. Now we have switched places, and I'm intimidated by you a little. We should hang out though.

9.) I miss you so much!!! I don't think there was ever a moment when I was uncomfortable around you. If there was, it was caused by our mutual, immature, guy friends who make everything about something dirty. You however, are mature for your age, and you are probably one of the nicest guys I knew in high school. I cried leaving the coffee shop the last time we got to just hang out and talk one on one. Skype just isn't doing it for me. Neither of us are really phone people. I hope we get to see each other in person again soon! I feel like it would totally be fate if I was just randomly waiting around in an airport and we ran into each other 5 years or so from now. Would we recognize each other? I sure hope so. I wish you could see me now, I have changed alot. Love you, kid!

10.) We broke each other's hearts, but still learned alot from each other. Our friends thought we were weird together but I don't give a crap. I'm a little sad that you moved on so fast, but to each their own. You were never good for me, but at the same time, I opened up alot after I got to know you. You caused me more anxiety than you will ever know. However, I'm glad we have still kept in touch a little. I just hope it's not solely because of our past bad habits.

Sometimes I feel like I am 50 years old physically. Don't think I'm exaggerating.

Love Lockdown by Kanye West brings me a horrible flashback, but I love that it has African roots.

New Campaign!

2008-11-24T22:39:00.001-05:00

Hot Heads Favorite Hat Gallery
Brickfish

This one ends Dec. 11th!
Votes please. = )

Break?

2008-11-22T01:12:00.002-05:00

It's weird being at home. My ears are ringing it's so quiet. Missed my cats a crapton. I have noticed that at least one of them holds grudges. I think it's silly. She hissed at me and jumped off my bed to sit and sulk under my dresser because I apparently wasn't petting her the right way. I found myself thinking, "Oh come on, you're a cat, you can't hate me for that long."

Looked at apartments today and it seemed promising. Hopefully they won't all fill up. I can't believe how early Radford people do things. It's crazy. Worst system ever.

Apparently I am intimidating. Really? I missed the part where I became intimidating to boys.

All I really want to do is finish my book and take some pictures and sleep.

Newsflash:

2008-11-18T21:08:00.004-05:00

Just because I am your friend, I'm nice to you and we have mutual friends doesn't mean I want to hang out with you alone. We can still be friends, but quit being awkward and planning your little schemes. Kthxbye!

In other news THANKSGIVINNNNNNGGGGGGG haha that's unpronounceable.

And!

Show Us Your Best Facial Feature
Brickfish

Last days to vote are today and tomorrow so YOU BETTER BE VOTING AND RATING NONSTOP PEOPLE. I'm continually dropping in ranks, booooo.

To quote myself:

2008-11-15T22:36:00.003-05:00

"Even if my dreams don't come true, God is so good."

True: they didn't come true, and God is still good. It is crazy to think about how my life used to be when I didn't depend on God for everything. Pretty sure I drove myself crazy every day.

So, my friend didn't show up. That's ok. Maybe I shouldn't be around him anyways, I have almost nothing in common with friends from home now. I am supposedly hanging out with a couple more tomorrow and I am nervous. I don't want to be two faced like I used to be, but I don't want them to dislike me or our friendship to suffer. The thing is, I am not pretending that there is a chance this will be the last time I see them for a while. I mean who knows though, they may come home over the summer. But our lifestyles are so different. Blegh. I think it's odd how some people are so "open minded" and "accepting of other people" but if you do even one thing that "everyone else does" or just something they don't agree with, they think it's ok to mouth off to you or within earshot of you about it as much as they want. I don't do that to you, kids. I hope your thought processes have changed since the last time I was around you. I am also speaking in high school terms, so...yeah.

Prefer one another in love.

Truth:

2008-11-12T11:36:00.007-05:00

I am not ok. It seems like I have been doing everything out of fear this week.

--edit--

Things are looking up, I hope.

Thanks again, God...saving the day, as always. = )

Weird how I had to hit the bottom first. But isn't that usually how it goes?

Whispers.

2008-11-09T23:46:00.003-05:00

Observation: God can appear in the people and places we least expect him to.

Also: I had one of the most intense dreams of my life last night. It involved a journey through my life, including a little bit into the past to the future, as well as afternoons out with the parents, golden retriever puppies (not really a dog person...figure that one out), secret codes imprinted on flashlights, grocery/department stores, me almost being shot to death in said stores, running for my life through a parking lot in pitch black to my car which I couldn't find my keys to (but it didn't really matter because my car was tied and bolted down to the ground), my significant other (who was an obvious jerk, but wasn't actually anyone I knew in real life), me almost being shot to death again (but this time it actually helped me), old abandoned houses, bodies under blankets (CREEPY. What is up with my brain.) and cats (very sweet ones, one of which was spotted black and white).

...Really??

Guess that's what I get for stressing all weekend over this freaking research paper. I hope that's all it is, anyway. Turning it in on TUESDAYYYYYY. So glad.

= )

2008-11-07T11:40:00.001-05:00

I am so proud of Jason! Confession heals big time. Yey God. = )

Second Chances.

2008-11-06T16:03:00.003-05:00

I was always one to believe in second chances, so I gave you one and you screwed that one up too. To quote a close friend, "Who knows with that kid." So I guess I'm moving on. I'm obviously not at the top of your priority list, understandably. We'll see where God and time take us. See you around.

Update:

So, thing 1 I am hoping for: Giving up on that. See above.

Thing 2: Still going. It hasn't been a priority lately because of the huge amount of work I have to do, unfortunately. And I've just been super stressed about life in general, so I've been praying that God would take my worries and less for this thing.

On another note, Hellogoodbye is FABULOUS live. I mean. I've never seen a more hilarious band perform. I just wish it had been in somewhere where you're allowed in the aisles. Boo.

I am a little nervous for Radiate. I just want it to be better than last year, is all. I want to know more people going. Oh well, we'll see.

I am dreading the amount of work I have to do this weekend. Eeeeeuuurrgh.

To do list:

2008-11-05T13:07:00.003-05:00

One day when I am a singer, I want to cover an Anberlin song or 10. With my band. That I will have. Yeah. I have to make a booklet of lyrics for my typography class, and I'm pretty sure *fin is going to be in there.

Guard my heart. That is an order. Human emotions are so odd. By the way, to be honest, you suck at communicating. We can probably still be friends though, I hope.

Hellogoodbye tonight.

Broken in a bad way.

2008-11-01T21:31:00.002-04:00

My heart hurts. What happens when there is only half a drop of hope left? What happens when you thought you and God wanted the same thing but it's about to disappear? What happens when you try to be patient and wait like you are told but you don't think anything will come of it and you are about to stop believing? Hope deferred makes the heart sick. It sucks when the first verse that pops in your head is a depressing one.

Romans.

2008-10-31T00:51:00.003-04:00

YES I succeeded at being still. I am so excited. I have struggled with that for forever. God is awesome. = )

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

Footnote: "Any hope the Christian has comes from God (see note on 5:5) by the power of the Holy Spirit. Hope cannot be conjured up by human effort; it is God's gift by his Spirit."

So I read that and I was like "hmm, that's interesting, I never knew that before. Let's see what 5:5 says."

"And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."

Romans 5:5

Footnote: "The believer's hope is not to be equated with unfounded optimism. On the contrary, it is the blessed assurance of our future destiny and is based on God's love, which is revealed to us by the Holy Spirit and objectively demonstrated to us in the death of Christ."

NO WAY. God spoke to me through this one. What's funny is when I was a kid, I decided optimism was stupid. What's the point of hoping for something and really being optimistic about it? Because then if you don't get it, you're completely disappointed and that always sucks. Reading this bit about hope really...made me hopeful, for lack of a better term.

Another interesting this is I've been hoping for a couple things lately. The first, I was really hopeful for at first. Then some little, minute thing would happen and my hope would be completely shattered. Then another minute thing would happen and I'd be really hopeful again. Repeat. Again. And again. Talk about frustrating. This time I am hopeful again, first after talking to some of my friends, and second especially after having a hardcore prayer session after Cru and reading these verses. Hope does not disappoint us. It is the blessed assurance of our future destiny and is based on God's love, which is revealed to us by the Holy Spirit. I mean, that's extremely awesome. I read recently that sometimes you can't blame every bad thing that happens on satan, part of it is human error, because we're imperfect also. I can agree with that. In this situation though, the things that broke my hope were out of my hands, things I had no part in. Looking back on my past, I can see how this hope thing makes sense. Many of the things I REALLY REALLY hoped for, I got. And it's funny, I felt a while ago, when this first came up, that I would receive this thing I hoped for so much. Maybe I should have just gone with my first gut feeling on that one. Writing so much about it makes it seem too good to be true. Moving on.

Second thing: I have been told so many times that I would never get this thing I hoped for. Maybe not directly, but I never got hope or positive feedback from anywhere dealing with this, which pretty much had the same effect. I tried to accept that I had to live without it, but I guess that never worked, which is why it's still on my heart today. Recently, God spoke to me through a sermon. He said, "Yes, it is possible. You need this." I mean, not those exact words, just a kind of abstract feeling that was straight to the point. That was all I needed. I was told that I could pray for this thing, and I could trust in God to give it to me. But it was so beaten into my brain that I would never get it, I don't think I ever really trusted. I prayed, but I didn't trust, which made me noncommittal about praying for it. Tonight God spoke to me through a speaker again, this time Rich. He even used the word hope. I love how God works. He speaks with subtle gestures sometimes, when that is all we need, but when we need to be grabbed by the shoulders and had some sense shaken into us, He can do that too. I got both tonight. I pretty much despise crying in public, but I did. Not gonna lie, I cried alot this week, but this time it was objective crying. God said, "LISTEN. Open up. Be still. You CAN trust in me, you need to know that it is ok to hope and fully trust Me. This IS possible for you." Again, not those exact words, but you get my point. Deep breath. Keeping up this spiritual high I have, and this incentive to hope and trust, will probably be difficult. There are some things that will keep me going, so I look forward to them. But this will probably change my life. This is big for me. God said some encouraging things to me tonight, and I am still so excited. God has blessed me with sooooo much. Saying stuff like this is weird for me because I'm usually horribly modest, but I can't help but praise God. Thank you, to all my friends who have supported me recently and prayed for me. I love all of you! = )

Um. So it's 1:23 am and I still need to do the bedtime routine...goodnight all. <3

And PS if you're going to comment and you're a close friend of mine, leave your name please. I want to know who you are. = ) But I mean, if you feel awkward about commenting, you can be anonymous if you really want to. Whatever. I can't think anymore. Bedtime. Haha.

Hallowe'en

2008-10-30T17:07:00.006-04:00

I think I want to be a mime for Hallowe'en, if I get a chance to dress up. My roommate and I both got sick last night and woke up all stuffy and weak feeling. Boooo. My piercing got infected the day before, but I think it's getting better after cleaning it. I just don't want it to scar up. = / My mom really doesn't want me to get anything else pierced, but the quirky, expressive side of me needs to. Haha.

For some reason my life is extremely stressful at the moment but I still have a peace with everything. I have a TON of work to do, my roommates are going out of town, my one close art major friend is working so she can't go to the gallery with me tomorrow, I'm sick, I've screwed things up with one of my "friends," and I feel like one of my other friends has forgotten me and is completely oblivious to how I feel. But somehow...everything is ok. Part of it is I took some meds that are making me feel a little better, and happy, energetic music always makes me feel better, but I know none of this would be possible if I wasn't so close to God right now. Of course, it's not where it could be, but it's so much better now that it ever has been. Jesus continually saves my life and my sanity. Thank God.

AUGH.

2008-10-29T17:24:00.002-04:00

'Nuff said.

But dship was good so that means the rest of this day should be better. More hopeful for tomorrow than I was. Prayer is good.

Still have too much work to do though. Egh.

Words!

2008-10-28T21:24:00.003-04:00

So since I'm a nerd and I really like words, here's a list of my favorites, either because they're unusual or they sound cool or both:

Buxom

Shyte (sadly)

Reverberating

Proverbial

May add more later. Who knows.

I give up...

2008-10-28T16:32:00.002-04:00

...again.

Boy this is frustrating. Trusting is hard when things don't go your way. But I guess I'm gonna have to try and do it anyway.

That is all.

Dream.

2008-10-26T16:25:00.002-04:00

I had a dream that we were sitting on a couch talking, and you asked me a question. I couldn't answer. I had to think long and hard. You were laying down and I laid my head on your back as I tried to think. An explosion came and someone was chasing us (and some others? Parents maybe?) before I could answer. There was a helicopter hovering right over us.

I'm such a non-verbal person it's ridiculous.

If I was a painter I would make a painting of this scene, but I'm not. I've had urges like this before, and I think I should probably start acting on them. I would probably either go with drawing, because that's what I did mostly up until now for my abstract ideas, or photography, because I like it better. But for photography you need a room to do it in, and models. Egh.

Look right through me, look right through me.

Why am I sad? I can think of two reasons and I'm afraid that one of them is probably hormones. Rrr.

Vote for me!

2008-10-22T13:47:00.000-04:00

Show Us Your Best Facial Feature
Brickfish

Just another reminder that the campaign isn't over yet!

2008-10-21T15:53:00.003-04:00

Life is fabulous!

But I have a crapton of work to do. Suck.

But life is still fabulous!

2008-10-17T23:12:00.002-04:00

"We should get jerseys 'cause we make a good team,
But yours would look better than mine, 'cause you're outta my league.

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know you're more to me than what I know how to say.

And I know that it's so cliche to talk about you this way..."

Don't know what to think anymore. The last time I became set on the pursuit, something happened and I felt completely shot down and wanted to quit. Then something else happened and I became hopeful again. Then tonight, something else happens and I really do feel set on quitting. FEIOGNE;DSFJI;S. I feel like if I were a verbal person, this would be so much easier. Ugh.

The naive, girly side of me is still hopeful for the future every time I catch even a glance. The rest of me feels completely hopeless, however, most of the time. What to do. Another part of me, the one that has a childlike faith in God, has complete faith that everything will work out. Whatever that means.

Sometimes I just don't know what to do with my life.

On the upside, I'm going to see Reliant K next Friday. And that's more or less it for the moment...I'm probably not as thankful for things as I should be right now. Sucks to be human.

Hum.

2008-10-14T21:29:00.002-04:00

Life is unfortunate. It's hard to stay positive at the moment.

I'm giving up on that one thing for now. We'll see how it goes. No more texting you for a while probably. Cru will probably be less exciting. Probably won't hang out with anyone afterwards. Ugh. Was I just being led on? I hate that. Maybe I just need to stop thinking. That's probably it.

I want to do one (or many?) of those Post Secret things. I was in a bad mood last night and I thought of a bunch of things, heh. >.<>

Augh! Frustrating. Now I can't stop thining about my problems! Grr. Haha. Moving on. I need Jesus time.

I wish people would just come up to you and be completely honest to your face sometimes. Sigh.

Sometimes...

2008-10-13T17:37:00.003-04:00

...I think I would rather have never loved at all than loved and lost.

Now I understand why my friend is so obsessed with her boyfriend, I think. She probably feels like she has nowhere else to go. I empathize. I've been there and I'll probably go there again.

Last Post is Outdated.

2008-10-08T18:15:00.003-04:00

Dship was, as usual, the highlight of my day. I feel like so many things got cleared up, and that's always exciting. Apparently my evangelism styles are Interpersonal and Testimonial. Surprise! Not. = ) Aaaand I'm a Golden Retriever. Because it's always good to know what kind of animal you would be if you weren't a human. Too bad I'm not much of a dog person. There is the occasional exception though. Whatever.

Exerpt from the evangelism questionairre:

"I often get frustrated with people when they use weak arguments or poor logic."

TRUE. Tieogioivogenglensfsfjefnlks. *Disgusted face*

I feel like this week has been a huge blessing, despite still being kind of sick. I started a Prednisone pack today and surprisingly, it has already helped alot. I hate taking medicine though. Some random woman in a hospital told me once that her mother (or mother in law? I forget) died of cancer, probably because she had to take prednisone every day. Thanks for the optimism, lady. I probably am going to die of something weird though. I live off a pharmacy in my room. Bluh. Anyways. I'm getting the chance this week to meet with at least 3 people I hardly ever see. = )

In other news, I really enjoy charcoal even though I'm not good at using it. My typography class is more boring than crap, literally. I checked my email and facebook for an hour and a half this morning during class because we didn't really do much of anything.

Late for dinner, gotta jet.

Sigh.

2008-10-06T20:50:00.003-04:00

Once again, it's hard to concentrate on homework. I'm trying to deny myself the pleasure and excitement of liking/pursuing a boy. Just four days ago, this whole thing was so exciting. I wanted to tell everyone. But now I feel like I need to give it up for God (was that God telling me I need to, or me being hard on myself?) and the only way I know how to do that right now is just to stop pursuing. The circumstances were going so well too. Ugh. Well, at least I'm still sick and at this point it's embarassing to use my voice at all. Bleh.

I've been praying for healing, at least for this coughing-congestion-lung thing to go away, and it's kind of an odd thing for me to do. I do believe I'm a valued child of God, but as far as my health goes I never expected to get any answer prayers about that, so I just stopped praying for physical healing years ago. I was so used to that kind of prayer being some kind of monotonous ritual that just didn't work for me. I got some inspiration and encouragement this weekend and last week at dship, so I'm working on building faith now. I guess before my thought process was that everything happens for a reason and if I got sick, then I was supposed to and it happened in order to change my path to where I was supposed to be going, or in order to protect me from something (who goes out and gets into trouble when they're sick?). However, with my weak immune system and who knows what else, when I get sick I become miserable and depressed and it's all I can do just to keep up with school and feed myself. It dawned on me recently that God's will for me is probably not for me to be miserable, weak, and isolated all the time. Who knows exactly why I get sick so often, but now I have fresh hope that it is possible for me to be healthy. Last night as I was trying to fall asleep, I got a sharp pain in my chest, similar to what I've had before (no doctors really know what that is or where exactly it's coming from). I was thinking, "Um, absolutely not. If this goes on any longer I'm going to be awake for 5 more hours and I have to wake up at 7. Suck." And I started to worry about what it was. I mean, pain in your chest is a really scary thing. Almost everything you need to live comes from your chest. So I sincerely prayed that God would take the pain away, and I believed in my heart that He could. My prayer was answered within minutes. That's so awesome! I prayed multiple times today that He would take away what's making me cough so much, but I haven't seen much improvement yet. I don't want to get impatient, but this is making me tired and nervous about being around people. I also think that I didn't concentrate as much as I could have while praying, so I need to work on that. I can only pray a sincere prayer like, 50% of the time when I don't have a journal in front of me.

Back to homework, I guess.

And PS, Aaron Forrester is the bomb.

Back From Fall Retreat!

2008-10-05T21:12:00.003-04:00

It was grand. As always, it could have been better or worse, but I feel like it went the way it should have. Or rather, I'm trusting that it did. I got pretty close with some girls, which was something I desperately needed. I got to spend as much time as I could have realistically hoped for with a certain someone (which is both a negative and positive way of looking at it, I guess). I am still so anxious about the whole thing. I'm not sure how to approach it. Argh! I hate not knowing what direction I'm supposed to be heading in. = /

My lungs have probably gotten worse and I'm losing my voice now. I can't skip any more flute choir, which sucks. I just want to stop coughing, I don't care if I lose my voice. Ugh. Anyway.

Aaron and his family were awesome. It's been a while since I have cared about kids much at all, but Ethan and Nash are adorable. Ethan is my favorite. I really appreciate Aaron's honesty about his life and general feelings about things. He's very frank about what he thinks and I like that.

I'm not sure what God is calling me to do yet. For a while I've hoped I can use art as a means to put my faith out there and share with people, but I doubt I'm really called to do anything with art. The whole thing still feels a little out of my element (whatever that is) since I'm so new to it. I'm not as dedicated as other people I know. I feel like I'm probably supposed to be working with people, but I'm not sure what kind of people, or where, or what age, or anything like that. I think it would be sweet to work with counter or subcultural people somehow, but I'm not a leader. I dunno, any ideas or feelings I have are all abstract and don't really make sense so I'm not going to try to rush anything I guess. I'm trying to figure out how to apply the "dying to yourself" concept to my life. It's really difficult. What are you supposed to be doing with your life, just praying and reading the bible all day? I'm trying to figure out that balance and I think I'm going to have to ask someone else about it before I make much progress on my own.

It's really nice to be able to sleep in an actual bed, take showers, not be dirty and sweaty, not have to walk a vertical mile (slight exaggeration) to get to my room, but in a way I wish I was still there. Am I ready to get back to normal life? I don't wanna.

However! A big improvement in my walk is that I now seem to be more dependent on God and spending time with Him every day. Typing that out, it almost seems like that would make life more difficult, more of a chore, but it doesn't. I seem to be much more at peace with things, more trusting, more in tune with God in general. I've still got a long way to go though, but I'm excited about this new progress.

Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice.

2008-10-01T22:17:00.003-04:00

So I have a huge test tomorrow morning. I can't concentrate. I studied a good bit yesterday, or the day before, I can't remember. It just doesn't matter right now. I mean, getting bad grades sucks, but...augh! I just want it to be tomorrow. I want to dress up and wear a hat and go to Cru and see you there and worship together. I'm excited. Oh, am I excited. I get a rush just thinking of your smile.

= )

Is it time? Is it?

Falling slowly, sing your melody,
I'll sing along.

Even if my dreams don't come true, God is so good. Today has been the start on a road to healing, I believe. And I didn't cry!! Well. About that at least.

Current favorites.

2008-09-29T17:16:00.006-04:00

Current favorite sculpture. Pieta - Michaelangelo.

Song: Disturbia - Rihanna. I know, I know...but the video is amazing for the most part. Reminds me of the sytycd dance for Ramalama Bang Bang. And I mean, I do like mainstream music sometimes.

In other news, my earrings are hurting my ears but I'm trying to up with it in hopes that my ears will actually stretch out a little bit...I thought about stretching my ears and making really small gauges, but I don't feel like buying tapers, or whatever they are.

I'm in one of those states where I'm hanging on certain people's every action and word. I'm hoping that a certain person who I thought hated me doesn't anymore, or is at least giving me another chance. It's possible, I guess, but I'll just try to be myself and not subconsciously act like a suck-up. As for someone else, one step forward today in getting to know you. I'm excited for what might happen at fall retreat with both of these people, but again, I don't want to set my heart on anything yet. I will hope, but not promise myself anything.

I think it would be super sweet to design and choreograph music videos. How does one get into that field or learn how to do that??

I just noticed that Rihanna wears alot of black with just hints of other colors. I love that, I feel like that's what I would be like if I was famous.

I really want to paint my nails but this is going to be the busiest week ever. Sad. Maybe I'll bring some nail polish to fall retreat. Hahaha.

Rihanna- Disturbia Music Video [OFFICIAL]

I love how dark and oddly masculine she is.

Selective Friends.

2008-09-29T09:28:00.002-04:00

For some reason, it bothers me alot when people don't reach out to people they don't know and make new friends. They are content with their select group of 5 or 6 friends (or one best friend) and don't care about anyone else.

Genealogy.

2008-09-27T01:03:00.002-04:00

I've decided I really really really want to go to County Clare Ireland. That's where the Irish part of my family is from apparently (the Watts) from quite a few generations ago. My friend Annalee is very closely related to the Watt family as well (no idea if it's the same "branch" or whatever or not...) but apparently there were pirates in her family and I think that's pretty sweet. She knows a whole whole lot more about her family history than I do, and not knowing that stuff always makes me sad. It's really difficult to get that stuff back.

Social Skills.

2008-09-26T16:10:00.004-04:00

I really have trouble being around certain people. I get so frustrated with them when they act immature and...I don't know the word. Too physically needy, I guess. Too egotistical. They don't know what moderation means. I don't know, maybe it's just me. And God knows I'm not perfect, either. But I don't know. Being mature for my age is a real problem sometimes, and sometimes it works out perfectly in my mind. This time it's the former.

In other news...

He says: "Green is the colour that everyone sees all around me
Grey is the colour I see around her,
She's just a blur
The more the crowd cheers, the less I can hear,
And they don't really care what I play
It might be for her but for now it's between green and grey."

He says: "Green is the colour that everyone sees all around me
Grey is the colour I see around her
She's just a blur
Night after night while I hear what I write
Fills the room and my head starts to sway.
Might be for her but for now it's between green and grey."

And he wonders aloud why feelings so strong make the body so weak.

I need to be pursued when it comes to things like this. But I pray I don't depend on that. It is a great song though, and I think I've solved it's little metaphorical symbols.

Being sick sucks because if you sing then you lose your voice even more. Not what I need right now...

I really don't feel like doing homework even though I need to. I'd rather just be with someone, you, I believe. Even though I don't know you that well. I want to fix that soon. Like really soon? Haha, am I impatient? I just want to reach out to more people.

Cru again.

2008-09-26T10:58:00.002-04:00

Basically was awesome. I almost skipped because I was so tired, but thank God I went. That was the most fun I've had worshipping in a while. I've decided I need to be at least in the 2nd row, and I need to be near the band. I guess I just feel more charged up about worshipping that way instead of just doing it because we do it every week. Brett's talk was amazing too. I feel kind of like I needed to hear that. I think alot of people in that room did too. It's something I've wondered a good bit about, and instead of thinking too much I just trusted that everything is how it should be. But it was good to hear someone really wise talk about it so frankly and emotionally.

Sketchy Kevin is going on fall retreat and I feel like that's probably a good thing in the long run, but I also feel a strong need to make some close guy friends soon. I mean, I really want to do that anyway, but still.

I feel like the talk after cru was a good thing too. I feel like alot of things have been going on in some people's lives that no one knows about just because most people aren't as close as they could, or should, be. Or maybe it's just me, I don't know. I've been struggling with that for a while, and I know that the stuff everyone talked about was stuff I needed to hear. It's something I really need to work on, but I really need to be inspired to do it first. Hopefully this "inspiration" will last me for a while...I want to get to know everyone.

Mythology.

2008-09-25T13:10:00.005-04:00

So last night I couldn't sleep, and grabbed my ipod to listen to something hopefully tranquil enough to send me back into a dose. I saw Nickel Creek in my list and realized I hadn't listened to them in a long time, so I scrolled through the song titles (didn't recognize most) and landed on Robin and Marian. Listened to it on loop for a while and thought to myself, "I wonder what the actual story of Robin and Marian is..." so this afternoon I got on wikipedia, skimmed through Robin's page. Frankly, there's alot of information out there about him and his Merry Men (through ancient texts and art and ballads, etc.), but it's all fairly vague. His story can be traced to some actual places in England that still exist today, but his actual identity cannot be determined for sure. I found this quote on the BBC website:

"The Robin Hood legends form part of a corpus of outlaw stories which date from around the reign of King John. Two other key outlaws, Fulk fitzWarin and Eustace the Monk, were historical figures whose lives can be clearly identified at this time, but Robin Hood himself is much more problematical."

At first my reaction was, "Well that's sad. I wish we knew more about him and/or if he actually existed at all." My second reaction was, "Well duh. There's a huge chance that he was a real person." It seems to me that if you're an outlaw who basically lives above the law but works for justice' sake, you would want your story to be remembered to some degree. But his name is Robin Hood. He got that name because he always wore a hood (probably a cloak). He probably did that to be secretive, since he did live in a forest as an outlaw, of course. So if you were him, would you want the people around you (especially those in power) besides your friends to know your real identity? After all, you've been stealing regularly from the rich, giving to the poor (despicable!) and living in a forest...as an outlaw. Who knows why he was an outlaw, I haven't looked that up yet. But after thinking all those thoughts, I have a strong suspicion he could have been a real person. Robin Hood may not have been his true name, but the person may have been real.

In a way though, it feels so strange to believe a figure like that may have been real. That's awfully bold of someone to steal from the rich and give to the poor as an outlaw. Who does that? That could never exist today, our society is waaay too complicated. But back then, and in England, there was a king who probably ruled most of everything (tyrannically if what I read was correct). If you're going to defy the man, all the better if it really is just one man.

All in all, I think I'm in love. I want a Robin Hood! = ( Although it's not very Christian of him to steal from people. But the whole thing is so romantic. And chivalry still existed back then. That might be nice to have. Sigh. But I bet you he was horribly attractive. Some stories say he was a banished prince. All princes have to be incredibly handsome, right?

So of course now, since I'm an art major and everything, I'm having all these mental images of Robin and Marian (I like it spelled Marion better, but whatev) and I want them down on paper, or something, so bad. Maybe one day...

Come to think of it, Robin and Marian would make an amazing flute duet/trio/whatever. Drool. Obsessed with this song now. I have such bad obsessive tendencies. This song is going to be on loop for probably the next two weeks at least. Looooove it.

Glass Box of Emotion!

2008-09-24T18:34:00.003-04:00

So I feel less sick today. = ) I decided to be nice to myself today and skip classes again (and not wake up at 7 am. No brainer.) and I thought I wouldn't do anything else, but I ended up going to D-ship and going to the R&C meeting in a few minutes. D-ship was amazing and rewarding and refreshing, even though I did it last year too so it's not a huge change. But Annie had never been before, so it was new for her. I think maybe the change and starting something new is kind of intimidating for her, but I think we're very similar in a good way. In addition to the fact that we both have curly red hair. Yep. So, I do hate crying in front of people, but in small intimate groups it usually ends up being a good thing like it was today. I got to a point recently where I was considering taking pills for depression, but I think with some effort I won't have to do that. I've always absolutely refused to take medication for depression because I feel like it's not something I need to resort to, for many reasons. I'm hoping that the future holds good things for me in that respect. But really, I need to be praying more and not just "hoping" for things to happen. Need to get on that.

Favorite website ever, by the way. Love.

I was reading someone's blog today about family planning, marriage, having kids and when, etc. It's something I haven't really thought much about, but I feel the need to adopt I think. They say it's better to do that after having at least one of your own so the whole thing isn't so foreign, but I'm not sure I could for health reasons. My brother and sis in law want to adopt too, but they found out how expensive it was and they were so disappointed. I don't know much about it, but it already seems like an awful process. It's something that more people need to be doing, so I feel like it should be available to more people. I kind of want a kid of my own too, but I'm so afraid of passing on all the health issues I have and all the hardship that comes with it. But I guess I've got a while to think on that. Haha.

Interesting Articles.

2008-09-24T12:16:00.002-04:00

So, through being sick and having nothing to do other than blow my nose and consider doing homework, I found some interesting articles:

A Memoir of Schizophrenia is totally enlightening. I'd read about schizophrenia in a psych class I took and on my own time, and seen movies about it, but I thought this article was kind of interesting. Maybe the woman is just good at describing things, I dunno. But I thought it was cool. It's amazing what kinds of things the human mind can overcome, or at least learn to live with.

What Happens When We Die? was interesting too, talking about out of body experiences and trying to find a scientific explanation for "if something lives on" after we die. Proof of the soul? I've always thought so. I didn't know before I read this that the brain and the mind were actually considered by doctors to be two separate things. Although, what is the mind really, anyway?

"We're Breaking Up, So I'm De-friending You And Deleting Your Comments!"

Um. Really really sad and funny at the same time. I didn't actually know that people that dumb and immature existed. Maybe I did and I just wanted to pretend that they didn't for the sake of my own sanity. Freshman in college? For real?

Bluh.

2008-09-23T21:53:00.004-04:00

Now I can say that I've spent a birthday by myself all day in my room with a fever and basically unable to breathe or sleep. Worst birthday ever. Moving on. Did pray for all the fall retreat stuff though, despite not feeling like doing anything all day. Proud of myself.

I feel so alone. Is that ever really going to change?

Worst day of my life tomorrow.

2008-09-21T18:33:00.001-04:00

Vote for my entry here so I can get money for school and such! Tell your friends. = )

Stop.

2008-09-18T13:47:00.004-04:00

Not a fan of two-faced people.

There is some sort of turbulence in your life, and I want you to figure out what it is before you break more people's trust.

I wish more people were honest and sincere about...things in general. Especially their big life-decisions.

In other news, super excited that Aaron is speaking at fall retreat. And I hope some of my friends actually go.

And I heart my roommate. And her fish is deathly afraid of my camera.

I want to read Twilight because all the cool kids are doing it, and I wish I was an elf, and I wish the boy of my dreams would waltz through the door. Right now. Or at least at fall retreat. Please?

Typographyness.

2008-09-15T11:06:00.004-04:00

First big project in Typography was a success!! So excited. Comp critique was today and everyone liked it, even my old fashioned teacher! (Who, by the way, has no idea what grunge means. I, personally, cannot imagine how you can be a graphic designer and be oblivious to the concept of grunge. But I digress.) I know it's not perfect, so I think after we turn the final in on Wednesday, I will post a copy of it on here and possibly on Facebook. I guess the only reasons I'm excited though are because I started out with no ideas and basically no direction, and the whole thing was just confusing because our teacher isn't really a teacher. And also because I feel like the result successfully describes me, and in the beginning I had NO idea where to start on that...since I'm a freak and all. Haha.
The font I picked is apparently "goth" to my professor. Wrong. "Goth" is a noun, not an adjective, for one thing. For another thing, just because something is kind of pointy and slender and black, that is not always equal to "goth." Sheesh. Like I said, old fashioned. I don't agree with his critiques of things all the time, so this semester will be interesting, to say the least. He seems to be pretty conservative and wants everything to be the same. Bad news for me. >.<

Never Ending Math Equation.

2008-09-14T21:44:00.005-04:00

I am so unhappy.
I am hypersensitive to something and I don't know what it is. I feel like it is just the presence of sin in general, but I don't know what to do about it. This thing that I am hypersensitive to bothers me to the point that I can't talk about it. I am uncomfortable most of the time. I don't know. I feel like there is something that is just wrong. Something is bothering me that shouldn't bother me, but I don't know exactly what it is. I used to be ok with trusting people, but I'm not anymore. I love my friends and I hate being alone, but I don't feel like there is anyone I can tell the serious stuff to. I'm not sure why about that either. I guess maybe I just feel like I take things too seriously and no one would relate. I am a quality time person. If I don't really get quality time with people, I don't feel especially...anything. I don't feel like they want me around. I feel unneeded. The problem is I feel like quality time needs to be a constant thing for me. Sometimes I will meet up with people and we will talk about life in general, or spiritual stuff, or whatever. But that will only happen once. I feel like I don't get much out of that. But everyone is too busy to meet more than once.

Tonight in bible study we talked about 1 John: 5-7:

"This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

This relates to how we make ourselves walk in darkness by isolating ourselves from other people, or at least other Christians. I feel like I am definitely, constantly, a victim of this. I have so much trouble connecting with people. I don't want people to know anything about me right now. I do, but I don't, which is why it always manages to slip out in some way, for example, in a blog. But anyway. I feel like I physically can't talk about myself right now, this evening at least. Tonight we were supposed to tell a funny or embarrassing story from our summer. I didn't say anything because I had nothing to say. Nothing especially funny happened. I'm sure something embarrassing happened because those things always happen to me, but nothing I will remember 5 years from now or anything. There is a chance I could have come up with something, but I haven't had the confidence lately to let people laugh at me, and I don't feel like anything especially funny happens to me very often. I am probably one of the most uninteresting ones out of all of my friends, at least as far as telling stories goes.

I also feel like I have to isolate myself no matter how much I don't want to. Half the time when I am invited anywhere, I am too tired. There is nothing I can do and I completely resent that. When I am not tired, I have a ton of work to do. Part of me likes how rigorous my major is, and the rest of me hates it because 90% of my close friends almost never, ever, have homework. So, they are always with each other and I feel like I am left scrambling for what little time I can get with them. I regret that I feel the need to be honest about this. I feel like I don't really belong anywhere. I have felt like that most of my life.

One of the few periods of my life when I felt the farthest from that was when I was very young. At the age whenever kids start to separate out into their little social groups, that was the same age when I started to not fit. I guess that's about when you turn 7. When I was 8 I met a girl at school and we were best friends. She was basically my only friend but it didn't matter because we stuck like glue and did everything together. I made another best friend the next year, and all three of us were very close even up to high school. After that, we grew apart. Reflecting on that, I almost feel like that is my ideal, to be very close to few people, but I am pretty sure that will never happen again. At least not until I get married, if I do.

Tonight, I was also supposed to tell my "prayer partner" something they should pray for me for, and what immediately came to my mind, I felt like I couldn't tell her. She shouldn't know. No one needs to know, and yet it's written all over this page. The only people I want to know are my friends, and I can't even tell them in person.

I wish I knew what my true feelings about things were. Right now, I feel horribly depressed, but it could just be because I'm tired and I'm not really a depressed person at all. I could be hypersensitive to things, but it might be just because I am melodramatic and that isn't reality at all. Part of me feels like I should stop caring about sin altogether just so that I can belong with people. With someone.

I'm not sure if I will do anything for my birthday this year.

I feel like right now these lyrics are my life:

"I'm the same as I was when I was 6 years old,
And oh my God, I feel so damn old.
I don't really feel anything.
On a plane, I can see the tiny lights below.
And oh my God, they look so alone.
Do they really feel anything?
Oh my God, I've gotta gotta gotta gotta move on.
Where do you move when what you're moving from
Is yourself?
The universe works on a math equation
that never even ever really even ends in the end.
Infinity spirals out creation,
We're on the tip of its tongue, and it is saying
We aint sure where you stand.
You aint machines, and you aint land.
And the plants and the animals, they are linked,
And the plants and the animals eat each other.
Oh my God, and oh my cat,
I told my Dad what I need.
Well I know what I have and want
But I don't know what I need
Well, he said he said he said he said
"Where we're going I'm dead."

#1 Fear: Everyone is going to think less of me or avoid me or give me shifty glances after they read this. If they read this.
I don't want anyone's pity. I just want something.

PS I'm going to kick the freshmen girls on my hall in the face (but only the loud ones that don't stop screaming or running around). If any of them is reading this (but I know they aren't): that means you. By the way, you're in college now, not 9th grade. If you're going to be that immature, at least live at home with your parents. (What's funny is I don't really like it when the people around me are hateful like that towards others, but sometimes I do it too. Is that my problem, or theirs? Or both? It's probably mine because it always is.)

Quite Possibly Jude Law.

2008-09-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

Obstacles of being short: an exerpt from some girl's blog post I found.

"one: nearly everything needs to be reached for.
take for example, a food market. suppose i am looking to get some mac & cheese. while strolling down the aisle with my shopping cart (i'll be humming (or quite possibly singing) to a song that is playing and replaying in my head), i stop in front of the plethora mac & cheese, and i see that the Velvetta mac & cheese is sitting on the very top shelf! i contemplate what to do.

my first thought would be "stand in the shopping carriage, it will give me a few extra inches!" but the last thing i need is a repeat of my childhood where i am catapulted into a pyramid of canned corn.

my next thought would be "i'll take those stairs that the employees use so i can get my mac & cheese!" and as i pull over the steps, i'll suddenly be ravaged by a mob of employess at the market asking me what the hell i am doing. then they'll blatently point at the "employees only" sign posted on the steps. oops.

my final thought would be to look for the help of a dashingly tall, handsome man. i'll stand on my tippy-toes and my arms will be reached far above my head. then suddenly, handsome man (let's say jude law) sees short brenda, walks over, and says "do you need help getting this mac & cheese?" handsome man (hopefully jude law) will then stand directly behind me, hovering me, and he will then grab the box of mac & cheese. "this is for you, i believe." he'll say in his dashingly charming voice. my knees will become weak, and i will suddenly turn to mush as i fall onto the ground. as if i needed to get any closer to the floor than i already was. and thus will start a budding new romance, and i will live happily ever after with handsome man (quite possibly jude law)."

...Story of my life.

General Update on Life.

2008-09-08T22:01:00.000-04:00

I kind of feel the need to start a new blog on a different website. Xanga is nostalgic after all, since I've used it since middle school and everything, but I feel like any serious blogger who looks at a xanga site probably wants to vomit everywhere. But continuing my train of thought, I kind of want to start a new blog where I can get really vulnerable and shed truths about myself to the world. Maybe update people about art related efforts and discoveries on my part. Dunno what site I would use though. I should probably just get a website of my own and post blog entries on that along with a digital portfolio. So, if anyone has interesting ideas holler at your boy. And by that I mean me. If you watch Project Runway season 4 then you know what that's from. By the way, I'm having project runway withdrawal hardcore.

Just found out that my favorite art teacher ever isn't teaching anymore...for probably no important reason? Very upsetting. I hope he doesn't leave the area because then I'd be sad because there's not too many people around here who share my sense of humor.

First night of CRU was last night and it was way more exciting than I thought It'd be. I'm going to literally (emotionally) die when my older friends graduate. (Omgsh drama queen moment.) I love having older friends and I recently made friends with some freshmen...which is cool but at the same time it feels a little strange, I haven't had many younger friends since...elementary school? I mean, I don't have a huge problem with it since I know that when I was a freshman I cried like every night for...a while. Until I got to know people and then things were much better. My world disintegrates when I don't have any close friends or I feel abandoned. So I'm ok with freshmen until they freak out over things that don't really matter and I'm like "Dude! The sky just fell. Chill out."

Readjusting to Radford has been horribly difficult, dare I say almost as bad as last year? Except not quite as bad. But seriously, I HATE crying in front of people and I did it like, two days ago. I want people to know I'm upset when I am, but at the same time I don't want anyone to know. People make fun of you behind your back when they know your vulnerabilities. Usually I don't give a crap, but right now life is difficult and stressful. Make it stop!

Funny thought: I remember when I was like, middle schoolish age and I was like "Man, my name is so weird. I'm never going to have any nicknames and I'm going to be stuck with this weird name that no one can spell or pronounce right because it's SLIGHTLY unusual. Ugh." At the time, alot of my friends had funny nicknames that seemed just right for them and I was jealous. Just now, I realized that I have about 4 nicknames...more than I could ever hope for! Life feels exciting again. Even the freshmen picked them up and introduced me to their friends with them which makes me smile.

I have recently realized that I have an Irish temper when it comes to certain things (forgive the expression). I have trouble being around people who are excessively loud even in a quiet room. Like EXTREMELY loud. Haven't met anyone in a while like that though. People who are insensitive. People who are dramatic and/or make bad decisions. People who must have their opinions heard NO MATTER WHAT because they are the most important. Shut up, you're a jerk. You can't just talk over other people unless you're ok with being rude. I can't stand it when people judge each other or make fun of other people behind their back on a regular basis. There are some things people can't change about themselves and you need to not be a hypocrite and love them anyway. Venting is one thing, but...yes. Not to say that I'm perfect, but these things really bother me. Bandwagons bother me too. I knew this girl last year who would turn the TV on and it was always MTV. Every time. Do you really want to lose that many brain cells? I just feel like there's nothing of worth there. People freak out over nothing on MTV. But it's one of the most popular channels ever. Why!? Don't understand. It also bothers me when people are stuck in their comfort zones and don't want to get involved with or even learn about new things, but judge those things anyway based on their ignorance. I guess I just have lots of issues dealing with people. I'm a problem child. Moving on.

Update on health issues: I'm not that shy about them anymore. Which is probably a positive change. For fatigue issues, I am taking D-Ribose now which helps a WHOLE lot, not exaggerating. If anyone out there feels tired alot (not because you stayed up until 3 am trying to solve a Rubix cube and then had to get up at 8 the next morning.) I highly recommend it. It's supposed to be for athletes, but It's recommended for chronic fatigue sufferers as well. Except save your pennies, because it's like $50 a bottle. Had to be too good to be true, right? But I'll take anything after 5 years of feeling like complete crap. I know alot of people don't know about this, so to clarify: I wake up every morning (ideally, after sleeping 10-12 hours) and still feel tired. I don't remember what being rested feels like. Sometimes the fatigue is manageable (after taking meds) and sometimes I can't even leave my room. Some of it is definitely mental. Despite feeling like crap, I have never fallen asleep in a class (but have come close, don't get me wrong) and I have never woken up and thought "I'm too tired, I'm going back to sleep, I'll just skip class today." No, I always go unless I am actually sick with a cold or something, or throwing up, etc. However, getting up early 3 days in a row is basically death. My immune system is ridiculously weak due to the fatigue and other physical stressors, so I take measures to protect myself (basically I just tell people I'm not going to share their drink because I'm a germophobe...the real story is too complicated).
As for how all that affects me today, I can be high strung (though I've been told that I seem calm and "even-keel"...odd expression, I know) and anxious and I forget things easily and often. When I'm REALLY tired to the point that I can't leave my room, I cry and my work doesn't get done. As a result, I'm registering with the DRO so I don't get screwed over by the school even though being sick isn't my fault. That's another thing that makes me mad. You cant' get excused for absences, late work, etc. unless you're literally dying or someone in your family is dying. Whoever decided that, I'm going to slap you in the face. I'm going to track you down, you jerk. You don't realize how difficult it is to talk to ANYONE in the DRO. Ridiculous. Anyway, enough complaining. My life is stressful and it sucks, oh well. My current personal project is being able to compose myself and not becoming frustrated with people when they ask about it and I have to explain it. One reason why I'm typing this all out. Crap, this is getting long. Umm. But most people don't seem to know anything about alot of health issues out there and that's frustrating to me because I feel like they need to get outside their comfort zone. But I guess I can't blame them, I know I'd be the exact same way if I was healthy. Other ways this affects me today: I can't really travel. It's way more stressful than you'd think. On top of that, I'm allergic to almost every kind of food (slight exaggeration, but it still sucks). Being tired made me have to stop riding horses years ago (upset about that, I love horses with a passion). It basically made me stop doing anything active. Recently things got a little more under control and I'm exerting myself more now. I went to the gym every week last semester and I did a relatively good amount of lifting over the summer (I love lifting and I'm the smallest chick ever, is that weird?). I also REALLY want to start gymnastics again (I did it when I was like, 7 or 8 or both. I can't believe I was an idiot and stopped before I got good. Bah). Anyway. This is super long and if I think of anything else I'll make another entry. Apparently I'm a glutton for typing my feelings.

Source of grins for today:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p3jz-QPTzwE

Umm, I love that gay man. I want to find him and be best friends. I can't express how much I love gay people and I want to be friends with more of them. Is that weird? Whatever, I don't care. Because that dude's cool.

"Do you know what I mean?"
"It's too tall. I don't like it."

The end!