Such Is Life.

Ok, so. Haven't written in forever. This semester was terrible, as far as the short-term outlook goes. My design classes were super stressful and I felt like I was stretched to the point that I didn't enjoy it or grow from it as much as I could have, which is disappointing. I did however enter the Addys for the first time, which was also super stressful. You have to organize everything just so, and allow time for everything to go wrong with printing and such, which is time I didn't quite have. I don't expect to get any awards from it, but I still feel like it might be good experience. My teacher specifically emailed me telling me to enter and giving me suggestions of pieces to enter. Very encouraging. He probably did that with at least half the department though. Anyway. I am really hard on myself most of the time.
If you ask me what I'm good at, I'll tell you, "Not much." I am just starting to realize that that's probably a sinful mindset to have, even though I believe it. God gave me a gift, and I've had different ideas at different times in my life of what it might be. The point is, God doesn't create people with no purpose and no gift. He will help you tap it and learn to use it, but it requires drive and effort on your part too. You can't sit and wait and expect everything to happen for you.
I have been listening to alot of lies lately. Some of them being that I'm not good enough at design or photography to make a career out of it, that I am not talented, that I am too weird for most people, and that I need a boy to be happy. Unlike some people my age, I have almost no fear whatsoever of being committed to someone, thus making it difficult to be content uncommitted. And every other week I hear about an engagement or a wedding. However, now is probably not the best time to make a commitment. I still feel like there is a vast part of myself I don't understand, and it probably stems from my distance from God.
My relationship with God suffered immensely this semester. I basically went the whole semester without feeling truly filled up, and then I would wonder why everything was so screwed up and why our campus movement wasn't close at all, etc. Radiate always helps though. It was so good this year. I worried about the social aspect alot because my closest friends wouldn't be there, but I ended up becoming much closer friends with some acquaintances, feeling closer with the kids from our campus in general, and even meeting some kids from other schools and keeping in contact with them, which I've always wanted to happen at Radiate. That had never happened before this year, so that was definitely cool. Our campus movement has struggled alot with just being tight with each other, and I feel like maybe that improved a little at Radiate. Not sure yet. However, we never got to sit together all at one time in the meetings. Disappointing.
I found out over break that my brother is now an "agnostic deist." Meaning something along the lines of: he believes or hopes that there is a god, but doesn't claim to have any "special wisdom" about god. He uses the word agnostic referring to the Gnostic movement back in the day (basically a cult) where people claimed to have some special wisdom or knowledge of god...I dunno. I haven't read up on it yet, I've only heard of it. But anyway, they considered themselves gifted with spiritual knowledge even though they didn't really have any I guess. So he says he is agnostic because he doesn't claim to have any knowledge like that. So, that has been a little weird to get used to, even though I've had an idea of him losing his faith for quite a few months now. But I've just now had him explain it to me in some depth. I guess it's weird because I went my whole life up until sophomore year of college believing that I had this great Christian support right here in my immediate family. I still have my parents, who are strong, but I always looked up to my brother alot when I was younger and still figuring out my image and personality, and now everything is just weird. I have been terrible at loving him too. It's hard when he lives hours away and we have basically no communication because he's married and he's a dude. So, I've decided I'm going to have to man up, so to speak, and do what I can feel God wants me to do, which is just be that godly influence in his life. That's going to be hard, but I think God has equipped me enough to do that. Let's hope I hold up my end of the deal.
I am super nervous about what this summer is going to look like. I think I want to go on the Tribeca project on the arts track, but I don't have a portfolio together yet, and I have no idea when they start accepting applications. I think I read November somewhere, which probably means that plan might be screwed because I heard it's hard to get in and you need to apply right away. Sigh. But, that's probably what I'm doing with the rest of my break is trying to figure that out. I don't know a whole lot about the whole thing. I hated that this year at Radiate there was zero information about most of the projects. I thought it would be a relief to me knowing that I could go there and talk to people, but alas. I wonder if they're even having it this year. I dunno, so many questions. It would be super scary trying to get around in a city by myself. I've only flown once recently (meaning since I was a baby) and I'm terrible at navigating and finding my way around. But dude, New York City. I went there the first time this summer, and it was just...so good. I don't know why. I don't handle stress that great probably, so it doesn't make much sense that I would like the city. But I love all that culture and diversity crammed into one place. I like the subway. Not figuring it out, but I like people watching there. I love the buildings. I love how there are actors everywhere and there is so much music and art. Granted, I haven't tried to live there, but I walked around in NYC a little by myself while my parents were off doing other stuff, and it wasn't scary. It was so weird. It was also broad daylight and in a touristy part of the city, but still. Anyway, enough jabbering. I just want to figure out what God needs me to do this summer. I am also a little sad because mom told me if I did go on a project this summer and needed all that money to go, I probably wouldn't be able to go to Big Break this year. Sad day. It was so fun last year. I will be really sad if my little friend group from Radiate goes and I don't. Last year though I had to pay my own money to go, and my grandma heard I was doing that and she sent me a check covering the whole cost. Didn't expect that at all. She is great.
In other news, The Office Season 4 is actually really heavy plot wise. So weird. I love PB+J though. But all the other romances are just so strange and uncomfortable to the point that it starts to lose its humor a little. That's just me though. I just figured out that when Angela called Pam the office mattress, she was being a huge hypocrite. Because the real office mattress is Angela. Woah. Enough drama for one day. In more other news, I discovered Launch My Line, a new fashion reality show on Bravo, and Lady Gaga appeared on it the other day. Aesthetically, I deem her to be a genius. Anyway. That show is super dramatic too, but the way they set it up is cool, they have each contestant paired with an established designer (which I think they also do on the Tribeca project? Did I say that already?). The clothes I saw in the one episode I watched were things I immediately wanted in my closet. Mmm. I have issues with the hosts though. I have no idea who they are or how they got on the show or if they are famous for something. But they are extremely catty (and unhelpful...no Tim Gunn, no one can replace him) identical (probably gay) twins who wear the exact same outfit each episode. Basically they make a serious effort to appear as clones of each other and it weirds me out so so much. Whatever.
There have been alot more spiritual pit-falls this semester that I won't go into for fear of making this post any longer. But anyway, I'm going to try and make an effort to get back on track. If you are my friend and you see me at all spring semester, stop me and make me have some Jesus time.
That is all. Peace and love.

Ups and downs, mostly downs.

What is friendship without trust? What is anything without trust? I'm not really inclined to accept help from you if I can't help you first. I can't help you if you don't let me. I wish I could trust you and I hope this doesn't ruin everything.

On the other hand, this helped me out last week: Isa 41:13.

It feels like everything went bad when you graduated. Feelings are awful. This is going to sound horribly nerdy, but I would like to be a Vulcan now. Kthx.

I'm not Terminal.

Worse, I'm chronic.

I still haven't figured out how to deal with my chronic problems either, except to be thankful that I don't have more, and to fight ignorance.

The most difficult and painful thing:

To empathize with God when He sees his children being led astray.
Even with being blessed so bountifully with the life I have and the lessons I've learned, it is so hard to observe others in similar struggles and not know if they will come out on the other side.
It is so easy to focus on the negative even though there are blessings every second, around every corner.
I may always be frustrated with being human, and for now with being young, even though I should be thankful for both.
It's sometimes difficult for me to love messed up people, but who else is there, and who am I?
I was put with these people for a reason, I just want to know why.
I cannot wait for Heaven...

Be safe tonight.
Love you. Really.

Are the wonders of my world.

I want to be there.

I want to learn how to write for real.
I need to learn how to express (and execute well) the passion I have for everything.
It kills me that I miss you already. It's stupid.
That is how it always goes.

I am almost 20 and I have never been more afraid of the unknown, and of dying alone.

Why can't I focus on Jesus for once in my life?

Will you remember me?
Does it matter?
The worst feeling is when something matters to you and causes you to feel when it probably shouldn't.

JESUS fix me.

Life is a frustrating tangle of webs and I feel too much.

Things that made my day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eoaTl7IcFs8 (the end is the best part)
I said I'll be gone today ,
but I’ll be back all around the way.
It seems like everywhere I go,
The more I see the less I know.
But I know one thing that I love you.


http://www.wimp.com/elephantpaints/
This is an oldie that has been around the internet a few times already...but elephants were my favorite animal when I was like 5 or something, and I think they regained that status again today. = ) Not sure how it learned to do that...but how cool that God is a creative spirit and not only do humans replicate that, animals do too sometimes. = )


http://www.wimp.com/beardgrow/
Yey china.


And just for kicks:
http://www.wimp.com/cryingbaby/


Yep...Jesus is still alive.

Mister Monotony.

Disclaimer: I haven't blogged in a while so this post will probably end up being a bunch of ranting about my life. I warned you!

So, not much spiritual to talk about at the moment. I am starting to get nervous about leading a bible study and I'm afraid I will have stress out the butt for fall semester. I will probably be a scatterbrained mess...bah. And what also won't help is I have a class that runs 6:45 to 8:45 on thursdays, which cuts out alot of cru time. All of the visiting time in the beginning and probably announcement time too. And probably worship. Oof. I will definitely need to start getting strength from somewhere other than thursday nights probably. Maybe I will start going to church again. We'll have to see how everything goes I guess.

Being discipled again will be FANTASTIC. Dship always gets me through the week, unless something really horrible happens. Life will probably feel empty without Sammer though. It will definitely take alot of getting used to and alot of bulldozing through emotions.

I have been trying to reset my internal sleep clock and it's possibly one of the most difficult physical things I've ever done. I haven't really been successful yet but it seems like it'll be impossible without some kind of sleep aid. It's a bad feeling to wake up in the morning and never feel rested but just try to ignore it and go on with your day.

On a more exciting note, I got to go to New York City for the first time in my life!! I have never been so excited about traveling and I was very sad to leave. I figured by the end of the trip (only about 5 days) I would just be exhausted and ready to be back at home just chilling. But quite the opposite, I felt like it was my second home and sure, I was tired from the walking, but it was %100 worth it. On a sidenote, this was the first adventure I've been on with my new D90! Whee! I felt a little like a tourist but I wore relatively nice clothes every day to try and counteract the tourist syndrome, so to speak.

Rundown of the trip:
Took a flight out of Richmond VA (my first time flying since infancy...needless to say I have a million pictures of clouds) and arrived in NYC at about 11:30 or so I think. We took JetBlue so we got to eat blue chips, made from blue potatoes, which I didn't know existed. But they look super cool. We took the subway (which my parents more or less figured out the system of) and walked a few blocks to our hotel (on restaurant row, right next to the theater district). THE CUTEST little place I've ever stayed in. With tax it was about $200 a night (fantastic price apparently) but the room had a kitchenette and fabulous bathroom, free internet and continental breakfast every morning. And the people there were amazing. So the first day we dropped off our janx and checked out Times Square for a bit, then to the International Center of Photography, at which there was a Richard Avedon exhibit. Life was good. After that we met my mom's high school friend Denise, who is the head of photography at Sotheby's, and got a fabulous italian dinner with her. Behind us sat Philip Roth, who is apparently a regular there. I had no idea who he was so we had to wikipedia that later. That was the only dinner we had before 10 or 11. Now I don't really like touristy things, but then we went on this bus tour in the evening so we got to see the city lit up at night, the Brooklyn Bridge and all that jazz. I do have to say I am a fan of sitting on the upper level of double decker buses.

Day 2:
Checked out the lobby of the Guggenheim, which is pretty cool looking. Spent literally about 6 hours at the Met, which was time well spent. We probably saw about 1/4 or something of everything they actually have. Ridiculous. After that we went to hear the Philharmonic at the concert in the park. Kind of sucked though because we didn't pay to get in...which normally would be fine, but everyone else who doesn't pay to get in just picnics on the ground outside the gate and talks the whole time. Not too much music was heard really. It started to rain at the end so the fireworks were canceled. In the huge crowd's rush to leave, it was probably about this time that my dad lost my point-and-shoot camera. Sadface. After that we went to Junior's, an actually very busy restaurant with excellent cheesecake and complementary beets (not served together). Our waiter was an attractive actor, as are almost all waiters in NYC. Again, life was good.

Day 3:
Went to St. Patrick's Cathedral which is absolutely magnificent. There was scaffolding or something on the front side which took away a little from the architecture, but going inside makes up for that. I know nothing about catholicism so I don't really know what I got pictures of, haha. But I love gothic architecture. After that we went to MoMA which had a really sweet design exhibit (meaning like, chairs, chandeliers, lamps, other inanimate objects). Went to a comedy show at the National Comedy Theater (which sounds like a really grand place but was really just a hole in the wall). The show was designed almost exactly like Who's Line but the "referee" was alot wittier than Drew Carey. After that we ate at O'Flaherty's (an ale house, not a pub...parts of the inside looked like a cozy living room) on restaurant row. Lovely place owned by an authentic Irishman.

Day 4:
Shopping in the morning/early afternoon. I can't afford anything in NYC that isn't from a discount store, so that's where we went and found fabulous clothes. Went down to Times Square so my parents could stand in the TKTS line while I wandered around for a little bit. Found a little market type thing set up on one of the streets where they had a little bit of everything. Got tickets to In The Heights! Visited Greenwich Village where I got a vintage hat for $10 from a very nice dude who used to be a hairdresser. Heard lots of music, watched people play in the fountain, watched a clown do part of his routine. Hurried back to the packed theater to see In The Heights (which was awesome! I needed a musical). Ate at a little restaurant across the street from our hotel where our waiter was really nice and chatted it up.

Day 5:
Took a look at Grand Central Station and had a really good lunch there. Hurried back to catch our flight back to Richmond. Very sad to leave. I want to move there now.

In other news, I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance and it is a great great show. This is coming from someone who almost despises television and definitely despises reality shows. Anyone know where I can learn how to dance and not look like a total fool at age 19? No...?